Sex is one of the most naughty and thrilling experiences a person can have. It bonds you with your partner, and it can give you spine-tingling orgasms.
Experts call it a “sexual response cycle.” Blood flows to the genitals, muscles tense up, the clitoris may swell and skin becomes red.
1. You don’t have enough arousal
For many people, including women and men with vulvas, sexual pleasure is all about feeling an arousing response in the body. That’s why it’s so important to have open and honest communication with your partner about what turns you on. Experimenting with different techniques for intimacy, such as extended foreplay or sensual massage, can help you find what works best for you. Using the right type of lubricant can also reduce friction and enhance pleasure. In addition, strengthening the pelvic floor muscles through Kegel exercises can improve blood flow to the vulva and enhance sensation.
The problem with a lack of arousal is that it makes it really hard to get orgasmic during sex. And while it’s totally normal to not be turned on all the time, if you experience this consistently you should try to figure out why.
Often it comes down to the expectations we have about sex — that sex should be quick, intense and climactic. This kind of mental pressure can actually derail arousal because it’s so much harder to focus on the present moment and feel pleasure.
If you’re not sure what to do about a lack of arousal, talk to your doctor or gynecologist. They can give you ideas about ways to increase arousal and may refer you to a sex therapist.
2. You’re not in the right mood
You’ve been looking forward to sex all week, you’ve put on your favorite lingerie set and lit some candles, but when the time comes, you don’t feel anything. Sometimes that happens, and it’s totally fine. It’s not necessarily about libido or sex drive, but rather it could be about what you are focusing on in the relationship and the overall feeling of your connection.
If you’re feeling like you don’t have that connection with your partner anymore, or that passion has dwindled, it may be time to make a change in the way you approach your relationship. Re-establishing a sense of excitement and intimacy can help your sexual desire come back, and can even result in better sex.
However, if you’re consistently not in the mood to have sex, it’s probably worth a visit to your doctor to see what the cause is. If it’s an underlying issue, such as depression or anxiety, getting help for those conditions can be enough to bring back your desire. It’s also important to talk about it with your partner if you are having trouble feeling arousal. This is the key to good communication, and can help you figure out what is or isn’t working in your relationship. Ultimately, great sex essentially boils down to good communication between partners. And that’s something that will benefit both of you outside the bedroom too.
3. You’re not relaxed
Many people think that sex is supposed to be an emotionally intense experience worthy of the phrase “making love.” While this is a wonderful state to achieve when you and your partner are synced up just right, it’s not the case for everyone. Sometimes it’s more of a physical activity aimed at pleasure, and the enjoyment of sex requires being fully present. If you find your thoughts constantly wandering to things like how dirty the sheets are or what happened at work, you’re not completely in the moment and will miss out on a lot of pleasure. Try to practice mindfulness techniques to calm your mind and focus on pleasure and nothing else while being intimate in bed with your partner. This can help you to overcome sex anxiety and have more pleasurable sex. You can do this alone by using meditation and visualization or with your partner by practicing mindful focus and communication techniques.
4. You’re not in the right relationship
If you don’t feel anything when you have sex, it could be that your partner isn’t the right person to be with. Sexual intimacy is a deeply personal experience that requires trust and communication. If you don’t feel comfortable discussing your needs or desires, it can lead to problems down the line. Especially with couples, if you’re not on the same page about what you want from each other, it can be difficult to have an enjoyable sex life.
It’s also possible that your relationship is too early in the game to be having sex at all. Studies have shown that having sex too soon can cause you to develop premature emotional attachment, which can make it harder to enjoy sex later on. If you’re not ready for sex, talk to your partner about it and find out what can be done to work out a compromise that will satisfy both of you.
If you feel like your sex drive has dwindled to nothing, don’t give up hope – there are plenty of solutions out there. But first, you have to do the hard work of understanding what’s causing your lack of pleasure and working through any issues that are blocking it. This might include finding out what started your dissociative patterns and learning to be present enough to have a pleasurable experience.
